


Passively Killing Yawn

by auchic



Category: Alias
Genre: F/M, Vaughn-bashing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-11-12
Updated: 2012-11-12
Packaged: 2017-11-18 13:59:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,140
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/561821
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/auchic/pseuds/auchic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>So, lunasky's gave us a bit of a Friday challenge based on Alias S5 spoilers, </p><p>and so here's my more amusing (and sexy!) ways of getting rid of Vaughn.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Vaughn knocked on Sydney's door, but when she didn't come bounding up to answer right away, he got uber-worried and tried to knock the door down. I say 'tried' because he just bounced off a couple times (to be fair, it was a really strong door) before remembering that Sydney had given him a key. 

He rushed around the apartment looking for her until he found her in the bedroom, where he couldn't believe his eyes. Sydney was standing there making out with Sark and a couple of half-full suitcases were sitting on her bed. 

"Sydney, what the hell is going on here?!" Vaughn screamed loudly. 

Sydney and Sark broke apart. "Oh hell," Sydney said. Sark smirked. 

"Vaughn, I have to tell you something," Sydney said. "You and I are soulmates and everything, but I'm sorry, I just don't feel the same way about you anymore. So I'm running away with Sark to start a new and exciting life." 

"What?!" Vaughn yelled. "How could you?"

"I'm really sorry Vaughn, but it's just not there between us anymore."

"Not _that_ ," Vaughn said. "This isn't fair!"

"What?" Sydney and Sark said simultaneously (alliteration!)

Vaughn stamped his foot like a toddler in a tantrum. "How come _you_ always get to run away with the sexy evil blond English spy? How come I never get to?"

"Because you're a good Boy Scout," Sydney answered. 

"I don't want to be," Vaughn pouted. "I want to be sort of bad, and have a dark and mysterious side to me. I almost did after I killed Lauren and then went rogue on APO, but then I went back to my old boring stick-up-my-ass self. Well, I want to have my dark side too! I wanna run away with MY evil hot assassin lover."

"You know, he's right," Sark said.

"What?" said Sydney. 

"Why _can't_ Vaughn get the chance to be bad and run away with us? I mean, he's been such a good boy for four seasons now, I think he should have the chance to run away and sit on a beach sipping margaritas and having hot sex all the time."

"Hot sex? I could do that!" Vaughn said. "Could we do semi-evil things like steal lots of money from real real bad guys?"

"Sure, why not?" Sark said. 

"So when do we leave?" Vaughn said excitedly.

"Here you go," Sark handed Vaughn a plane ticket. "You go ahead and get it all ready for me and Sydney, okay?"

Vaughn was so excited, he tripped over his feet three times before he got out of the bedroom. When he was gone, Sark grabbed Sydney and started to make out with her again. 

"Where did you send him?" Sydney asked around Sark's kisses.

"Who knows?" Sark mumbled, pulling her to the bed. 

********

Vaughn sat in his seat, almost bouncing up and down in excitement. First class even! He was so ready for this! 

The loudspeaker crackled to life. "Welcome to Oceanic Airlines, flight 815..."


	2. Chapter 2

Vaughn sat morosely, listening to the guard ramble on about the rules and schedule, but he wasn't really listening closely because he was dwelling on his own unhappy thoughts.

How was he supposed to know that trying to kill Sark would get him arrested? Okay, so he put Sydney's life in danger too, but that was pure accident. Well, maybe not pure. Okay, more like impure. Because he found out that she'd been sneaking around with Sark for months now. How could she do that to them? Didn't she know that Sydney and Vaughn were meant to be together forever?

And then when the police found out he had killed his own wife and burned down the house, they arrested him like that, and he was convicted for murder, attempted murder and arson and sentenced to 25 years to life. So now here he was in his new home, waiting for the guard to finish so he could go to his new cells.

Everyone stood up and Vaughn followed until they led him to a big open area with glassed-in cells and tons of criminals eyeing the new meat. The bars behind him slammed shut.

"Welcome to Oz," the guard said.


	3. Once more, with feeling

Vaughn woke up in a coffin.

_Woke up?_ , he thought. _I'm dead!_ (which was very true; Sark had killed him on some mission once somewhere).

He broke through the coffin and dug his way up. Couldn't very well lie there the rest of his apparent life and contemplate that one. He was in a very dark graveyard in somewhere that didn't look like LA.

"Need a hand there, mate?" a British voice asked, and Vaughn caught a glimpse of blond hair in the moonlight.

"Sark?" he asked, all confused. Was Sark coming to kill him again? But Sark already killed him! 

Now the other guy looked confused. "No, I'm Spike." He grabbed Vaughn's hand and pulled him up. "New to the neighbourhood?"

"I'm dead," Vaughn said (it's taking him a while).

"Yes yes," the weird British dude in black leather that looked like sex but wasn't Sark said impatiently. "That's obvious. Wait, did you say 'Sark'?"

"Um, yeah. He killed me," Vaughn said, still wondering why he wasn't dead and why this not-Sark was talking to him. 

"Oh bloody hell," the not-Sark said. "I'm getting out of here."

"Wait! You have to help me! I need to tell Sydney I'm not dead." Because this is/was the most important thing on Vaughn's mind, you know. 

The not-Sark named Spike (Vaughn had just realised this) scoffed. "First off, you are dead."

"But I'm not," Vaughn interrupted (denial, people. anger is next). "See, I'm walking and talking and all that stuff that not-dead people do!"

"You're undead, you fool, so that's why you can walk and talk, although I'm not sure you could do it at the same time." (Spike isn't really patient with idiots, you see. Especially idiot vampires that don't realise they're vampires).

"What about Sydney?" Vaughn yelled.

"Who is Sydney?" Spike asked.

"She's my soulmate, the love of my life," Vaughn said with no change in emotions (not because he's undead, he's just like that).

"Oh," Spike said. "That's probably why you're dead."

"What?" Vaughn screamed.

"If Sark killed you, it was over a woman. He wanted your woman. So bye bye soulmate."

"Oh no. What do I do now?" Vaughn asked miserably. 

"Well, first we get you a nice person to eat; that'll bring those spirits up. Second, we'll find some place to hide before _she_ gets here."

"She?" Vaughn asked. But then he couldn't say any more because a wooden stake went through his chest and he turned into dust. 

"Idiot wanker," Spike muttered. Then he turned to the blonde girl who had dusted Vaughn. "Slayer," he said.

"Spike," she said back. 

Then they made out all night long.

**Author's Note:**

> Oh, Yawn. It was so much fun killing you.


End file.
